All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
You Might Also Like
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.