Biden: can i put whoopee cushions under all the chairs before he gets here
Obama: joe im on the phone
Biden:*muttering* u didnt say not to
Once again I’ve managed to poke myself in the eye with my own finger like my eyes have not been in the same goddamn spot for forty five goddamn years.
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“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
If I had 9 lives I’d stick my butthole in your face too.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
If breaking a mirror is 7 years bad luck then breaking a condom is 18, right?