@SaltyCorpse

Once again I’ve managed to poke myself in the eye with my own finger like my eyes have not been in the same goddamn spot for forty five goddamn years.

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@roostermustache

Biden: can i put whoopee cushions under all the chairs before he gets here

Obama: joe im on the phone

Biden:*muttering* u didnt say not to

@jonnysun

*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE

@mrjohndarby

doctor: can you describe the pain?

me: i have a knife sticking into me

doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain

me: sharp

doctor: like a knife?

me: yes, exactly that

doctor: *proudly* its my first day

@chopper4jk

If I had 9 lives I’d stick my butthole in your face too.

@meganamram

I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie

@CroweJam

I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.

@VerbsRProudest

The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.

@realfunghi

[first date]

Date: So what do you do for a living?

Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.

@edheenan

If breaking a mirror is 7 years bad luck then breaking a condom is 18, right?