what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
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[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Dudes named Chance never had one.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together