once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
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Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Okey dokey.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Every BBC series about the universe.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Basketball