I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
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Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Banana is the quietest snack
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
*cough*
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP