@Donna_McCoy

Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.

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@TheAuthorGuy

Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

@TheToddWilliams

[job interview]

BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person

ME: Well I’m definitely a human

@TitaniumToplass

Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.

@Bob_Janke

[second date]

Me: so… is this your first police chase?

@MafiaJoker78

New neighbours just moved in…

I baked them some goodies as a welcome & a warning to never eat at my house.

@thedailymarker

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.

@Mobute

A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.

MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?

@putyoursisterd1

Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.

@POTerritory

Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.