Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
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Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.