Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
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BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
New neighbours just moved in…
I baked them some goodies as a welcome & a warning to never eat at my house.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.