No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation.
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Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
I’m too immature for adultery.