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It’s called PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.


Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”


WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again

ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew


if u went back in time to kill hitler, itd be easier to kil pre-war hitler but then all the germans woud b like “yo why did u kill that kid”


Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps


elon musk having a love affair with space because he read hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy is like if i were a billionaire and decided to use all of my power and resources to create turtles who ate pizza & knew karate


WANTED: Sanity

LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy

REWARD: 4 year old


I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want


She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!