I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
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[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!
Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
You’re an embarrassment to the human race.
What are you doing later?
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Have you ever noticed women say men only have one thing on their mind? Yet women constantly ask us what we’re thinking.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Stormtroopers never miss. They’re just trained to fire a 21 shot salute to celebrate the commencement of every firefight.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon