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@qwertying

It’s called PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”

@CyrusOMerican

WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again

ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew

@jonnysun

if u went back in time to kill hitler, itd be easier to kil pre-war hitler but then all the germans woud b like “yo why did u kill that kid”

@thedad

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps

@nachdermas

elon musk having a love affair with space because he read hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy is like if i were a billionaire and decided to use all of my power and resources to create turtles who ate pizza & knew karate

@Brianhopecomedy

WANTED: Sanity

LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy

REWARD: 4 year old

@DBMaxP

I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

@Beerhaze

She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!