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@DirtMcTurd

I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me

@withanewname

[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!

Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.

@phalguy

You’re an embarrassment to the human race.
What are you doing later?

@amydillon

Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.

@mostlysharks

me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend

@Pro_Jones_

Me: *wakes up screaming*

Wife: What’s wrong?

Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again

Wife: Need some help?

Me: AHHH

@TheCamelToe_

Have you ever noticed women say men only have one thing on their mind? Yet women constantly ask us what we’re thinking.

@ColorMeScradd

MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

@DeathStarPR

Stormtroopers never miss. They’re just trained to fire a 21 shot salute to celebrate the commencement of every firefight.

@whatmaddness

Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon