Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
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🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*