I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
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ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left