Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@liv_thatsme

I’d tell my neighbor about the weird smell coming from her apartment, but she’s been so quiet that I don’t want to disturb her.

@thatdutchperson

[trying to sleep]

Me: ok, just breathe and relax.

Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED

@cheeky__gal

It’s disappointing when you watch a high school basketball game and no one turns into a werewolf.

@weinerdog4life

I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.

@thetits

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

@andlikelaura

[right after sex]

Me: so that was uhh-

The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!

@MumInBits

Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour

@dadthatwrites

Don’t say “zoinks” during sex unless it’s spooky.

@MooseAllain

The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.

@cool_as_heck

Boy: I wish more girls liked farming
Girl: I like farming
Boy: Lol oh yeah? Name the 5 most water-efficient irrigation systems of the 1980s