I’d tell my neighbor about the weird smell coming from her apartment, but she’s been so quiet that I don’t want to disturb her.
“once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like “once my kids clean their rooms.”
You Might Also Like
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
It’s disappointing when you watch a high school basketball game and no one turns into a werewolf.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Don’t say “zoinks” during sex unless it’s spooky.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Boy: I wish more girls liked farming
Girl: I like farming
Boy: Lol oh yeah? Name the 5 most water-efficient irrigation systems of the 1980s