ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
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“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
another case of gang violins
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.