“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
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Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
#StillHurts
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.