once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
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I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.