Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
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I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?