Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.

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ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.


Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.


I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people


What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.



Pam wants everyone to know what a great husband Don has been these last 8 years & for making her so very happy!


*reaches for the stars*

Stars: I have a boyfriend


My 3 yr old puts himself in timeout whenever he doesn’t want to do something we ask him to. Pretty sure he just beat the system.


I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up


On Sundays, tweet random things like “that’s not a touchdown” and “ref you suck” to confuse football fans about which game you’re watching.