@HoneyWooWoo

Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.

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@UncleDuke1969

ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.

@AimeeHelene1

Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.

@notfolu

I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people

@TylerLinkin

What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.

@Doyle_McLain

BREAKING NEWS ON FACEBOOK!

Pam wants everyone to know what a great husband Don has been these last 8 years & for making her so very happy!

@DaddyJew

*reaches for the stars*

Stars: I have a boyfriend

@gabeserra

My 3 yr old puts himself in timeout whenever he doesn’t want to do something we ask him to. Pretty sure he just beat the system.

@Mytwoscentz

I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up

@BrownDogBlanket

On Sundays, tweet random things like “that’s not a touchdown” and “ref you suck” to confuse football fans about which game you’re watching.