-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
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ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
BREAKING NEWS ON FACEBOOK!
Pam wants everyone to know what a great husband Don has been these last 8 years & for making her so very happy!
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
My 3 yr old puts himself in timeout whenever he doesn’t want to do something we ask him to. Pretty sure he just beat the system.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
On Sundays, tweet random things like “that’s not a touchdown” and “ref you suck” to confuse football fans about which game you’re watching.