Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.

I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.

My CW just barked.

Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.

I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.

This could be the Alcohol talking but….

OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!

*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.

Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.

Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.

To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.

*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*

(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham

I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?

Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car

Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.

☠️

Not even remotely sorry.

Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Thank you. I’ll be here all night.

“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.

Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.

Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.

Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance

me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again

friend: so go back for seconds?

me: no probably longer than that

[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar

Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me

Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER

Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.

Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”

[2am]

wife: where in the hell have you been

me: well the boys and i were at the club-

my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*

me: leonard my god no not right now

My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.

The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.

Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes

30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!