Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
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I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you