WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
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The glory of fall.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
I put the cute in electrocute.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!
-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale