Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.

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WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.


There are two kinds of people.

Try not to be either one of them.


I clicked on one of those DM messages

And now it burns when I tweet


[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*


I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it


The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.


Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”

Me: NO!


They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement

-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale