Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
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Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
(by @ZachWeiner )
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.