@TheAndrewNadeau

Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.

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@joshgondelman

“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”

@fro_vo

“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”

— how the worm got its name

@heymonroe

Hope I’m never tortured, because I just pulled a hangnail off my finger and now this entire restaurant knows my pin number.

@juliussharpe

Writing is a great career when people like hearing what you have to say but don’t want to look at you.

@thatdutchperson

[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*

[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*

@DurtMcHurtt

If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.

@adult_keverage

Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.

@Kryzazy

Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.

@KeetPotato

bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both