Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
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(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.