Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
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I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
one last job
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that