Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
You Might Also Like
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
just got my engagement photos
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?