Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
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“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
a god among men
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal