A level of petty I can get with 🤣
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Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.