@abbygov: Once I told a man he looked like Jeff Goldblum & he was like “who’s that?” So i pulled up a pic &he said “oh my what a compliment he’s very handsome.” Then as he was walking away, my friend walked up to me & was like “I’m pretty sure the guy you were talking to is Jeff Go
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@MaraWritesStuff: Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That's what adulthood's like.
@Staggfilms: Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75. Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
@ghostkrogh: mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile me: wha mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
@SeanEmeny: They say "confidence" is the most attractive quality in a partner. But I'd have to say "not banging my friends" would be a very close 2nd