Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
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her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭