Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
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NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.