Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
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Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Mad Max: Furry Road
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.