Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
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Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
okay run it by me one more time
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.