Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
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I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
When they try to steal your moment.