Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.

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Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”

Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”

Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”

Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”


The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.


In a recent poll, Tulsi Gabbard trails Hillary Clinton significantly in the race for the Democratic nomination, even though Clinton is actually not in the race.


taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.


Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.


Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.


If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.


Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…


Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.

Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?

Pastor: no

Me: rain down frogs?

Pastor: what the?

Me: plague them with locusts?

Pastor: NO

Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.