Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
You Might Also Like
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
HR said no more nunchucks.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??