Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
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I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*