How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
You Might Also Like
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
If a soccer player falls in the forest and nobody is there to see it, do they still flail their arms and cry and act like a big dumb baby?
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
I like dogs, but it’s like having a permanent baby.
A cat is like having a permanent teenager.
the word ‘freelancer’ originally came from medieval knights who would kill evildoers for the king and THEN NOT GET PAID FOR EIGHT MONTHS
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.