Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
You Might Also Like
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
The Book. The Movie.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
People who are bad at hiding, I see you