Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.

You Might Also Like


How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something


Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”

He didn’t even die.

Killing people with kindness is hard.


If a soccer player falls in the forest and nobody is there to see it, do they still flail their arms and cry and act like a big dumb baby?


Parenting through the years:

1st kid: Organic food only

2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”

3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”


I like dogs, but it’s like having a permanent baby.

A cat is like having a permanent teenager.


the word ‘freelancer’ originally came from medieval knights who would kill evildoers for the king and THEN NOT GET PAID FOR EIGHT MONTHS


Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.


BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please


I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.


14: I don’t have a signal.

Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-

14: It’s back.

Me: Good talk.