My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
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Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
You better watch out
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house