Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
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figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore