@mydmac

Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper

I’m hunting wabbits.

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@AnOrangeSNES

Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO?! *Explodes and dies*

@MOONEM0Jl

aliens probably ride pass earth and lock their doors

@Lisa_Laughs_

You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?

Cannibals.
And also a fork.

@alyssalimp

People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”

@pixelatedboat

You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams

@sofarrsogud

Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.

Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours

Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.

@Try2StopME

A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’

*A Girl Passes by..*

Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”

@Quartzjixler

I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.

@bush_piglet

Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.