@mydmac

Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper

I’m hunting wabbits.

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@longwall26

Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you

@GabbbarSingh

Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out

@trojansauce

*in the corridor of the club waiting for my transitions lenses to turn back into glasses* i’ll see you ladies inside

@Dadpression

Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.

@BuckyIsotope

Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased

@Smiilze

“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?

@NicestHippo

I love killing for fun
“Sociopath! Arrest him!”
I mean I love hunting
“Why didn’t you say so my good man, want to kill together sometime?”

@MehrangizC

*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*

@poutinesmoothie

Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?