Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
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Sharon, call the vet
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.