[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
You Might Also Like
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
What flavor cupcake are these
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.