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*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵
Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.
3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check