Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
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I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Not today
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
me hooking up with my ex
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter