Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…

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You know you’re old when you see the neighbor’s dog chasing some punk teenagers & you root for the dog.


It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis


My 7 year old son told me “You’re the most beautiful mommy ever!”

I asked him what he did and where’s he hiding it.


Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.


I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background. Sounds like a cool place to work.


Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99

Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99


On the way in a fox ran across the road ahead of me…I slowed down pretty quick cuz i knew a bunch of English dudes on horses were next…


Me, to 11 y.o: “You need to apologize to your sister for calling her stupid.”

11: “Okkk… I’m sor- wait. Which sister?”


Therapist: Do you project your problems onto others?
Me: Don’t flip out, but I feel like you’re asking me that to make yourself look smart.