Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
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Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
TODAY
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*