@VodkaThursday

Once Prince dies there will be some freaky shit that comes out like he ate only butterflies or bathed in babies or something. Mark.My.Words.

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@don_haworth

I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row

@JediGigi

Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.

@SlothSlouch

Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex

@DurtMcHurtt

CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.

UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*

@truegritrumble

Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.

@akatinamarie

I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.

@lonewulf87

Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.

@RaynaTheGreat

All of your inspirational tweets make me want to track you down and pee on something you love.

@AbbyHasIssues

1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.