Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
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[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Fluff me with a fork baby
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.