“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
You Might Also Like
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
He just like my cat fr
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”