@HatfieldAnne

Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.

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@pixelatedboat

You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products

@captainkalvis

Me: im on a quest to lose my virginity

Friend: well, for starters dont call it a quest

Me: ok but the ar-

Friend: the armor’s gotta go too

*i dismount from my horse and stomp metallically off to my room*

@dumbbeezie

I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly

@_Ms_Moneypenny_

The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.

@slaughthie

Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”

@MizzusT

First year married: I want to spend every moment with you

All other years: maybe you could move into your own house

@oye_gujju

Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.

@clindsaysway

The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.

@Playing_Dad

Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet

@Tommassh

*looks through telescope*
*telescope thinks you’re looking at him and waves*
*you wave at Jupiter behind*
*telescope awkwardly lowers hand*