Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.

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It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.


Shoe repair guy: so what happened?

[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]

Me: I stepped in a..puddle


It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.


“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”

– How my friends explain me to others.


Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up


What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.


wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair


Girlfriend kept nagging me to take her home to meet my family, so I did. Her and my wife aren’t getting along.


Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.


Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep