@pixelatedboat
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
@HatfieldAnne
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
You Might Also Like
@pixelatedboat
@captainkalvis
Me: im on a quest to lose my virginity
Friend: well, for starters dont call it a quest
Me: ok but the ar-
Friend: the armor’s gotta go too
*i dismount from my horse and stomp metallically off to my room*
@dumbbeezie
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
@_Ms_Moneypenny_
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
@slaughthie
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
@MizzusT
First year married: I want to spend every moment with you
All other years: maybe you could move into your own house
@oye_gujju
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
@clindsaysway
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
@Playing_Dad
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
@Tommassh
*looks through telescope*
*telescope thinks you’re looking at him and waves*
*you wave at Jupiter behind*
*telescope awkwardly lowers hand*