You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
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Me: im on a quest to lose my virginity
Friend: well, for starters dont call it a quest
Me: ok but the ar-
Friend: the armor’s gotta go too
*i dismount from my horse and stomp metallically off to my room*
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
First year married: I want to spend every moment with you
All other years: maybe you could move into your own house
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
*looks through telescope*
*telescope thinks you’re looking at him and waves*
*you wave at Jupiter behind*
*telescope awkwardly lowers hand*