Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
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William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.