Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
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Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.