Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
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When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?