Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
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[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand