Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
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[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
January has been Januweary
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.