Me *dying*: Tell my wife I like like her
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
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angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Emailing teachers be like
Me: *polite greeting, multiple paragraphs, perfect grammar*
Professor: “sure” -sent from my iPhone
I like to leave my gas cap hanging off when I’m on a date so when people start honking and waving I can wave back like I’m famous
What do we want?
DRESSES WITH POCKETS!
How do we want them?
FILLED WITH SNACKS!
What kind of snacks?
PREFERABLY A REFRESHING MIX OF SALTY AND SWEET BUT WE’RE NOT TOO PICKY FOCUS ON THE POCKETS
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
when he dropped the ball it was like “this is getting good”
Who did this?
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
they’ve hired a PR firm