@MumInBits

Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end

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@mrjohndarby

angel 1: what are these?

angel 2: strawberries

angel 1: you forgot the seeds!

angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?

angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside

god: *passing by* ooh nice

@DopeyMeme

Emailing teachers be like

Me: *polite greeting, multiple paragraphs, perfect grammar*

Professor: “sure” -sent from my iPhone

@hurlarious

I like to leave my gas cap hanging off when I’m on a date so when people start honking and waving I can wave back like I’m famous

@MartiSchodt

What do we want?

DRESSES WITH POCKETS!

How do we want them?

FILLED WITH SNACKS!

What kind of snacks?

PREFERABLY A REFRESHING MIX OF SALTY AND SWEET BUT WE’RE NOT TOO PICKY FOCUS ON THE POCKETS

@KamaroPayne

Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.

@humorandanimals

when he dropped the ball it was like “this is getting good”
(shadowtheaussie IG)

@SortaBad

Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime

Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever