*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
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As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.