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My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
AM I BEING GASLIT????
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”