once when I was at work I missed like 30 calls from my boyfriend & a text saying it was an emergency.

when I called him back the emergency was that fraiser’s son was goth in the episode he had just watched.

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I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.


[parking lot in the 80’s]

*man appears to be having a heart attack*

MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR

ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead


Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels


[talking to a date]

“I hate rushing into relationships.”

[talking to a new friend]

“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”


ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what

NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that


My dentist said I have a very wet mouth.

*Updates dating profile.


WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.

ME: Ok, I will.

[later that day]

ME: I quit


ME: I said, nice squid


I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.


My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my birthday. They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said, “I wanna watch.”