Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
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*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.