Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
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If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]