Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
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[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.